I feel like I've lost my way a bit

Sunday, February 21, 2016

This is going to be a bit of a ramble so please bare with me or please feel free to leave now.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this post but I'm one to bottle things up and then just blurt it all out so this is my blurt.

I haven't been blogging as much, mainly as I haven't been finding the time. I'm so busy at work I'm too tired when I get home. I used to blog for the week over the weekend but now I use that time to record videos for my YouTube channel which I'm really enjoying but it takes time to edit videos. I only do quick basic edits which I'm fine with but I feel like It's taken me away from blogging.

I have alway's felt like a bit of a pretender calling myself a plus size blogger and I feel I flit around the outskirts not belonging to the in or out crowd. Not really belonging at all. I feel like while I have made friends I don't have a blogging best friend and I'm not sure I want one. I think part of how I am is because I'm an only child and I don't really know how to behave in polite society. I don't know how to make small talk, I talk about myself far too much and forget to ask people questions about them. It's not that I'm not interested and I'd much rather listen to them than listen to myself drone on and on. I Just forget or feel like i'm being rude asking them something. A skill I need to learn.

Being a bit of an anomaly in my own mind. I still haven't found my place in this world either online or in real life. I feel like a bob about being that annoying one, who hasn't heard and keeps repeating herself as I want to know but can't seem to open my ears enough to listen.

I'm a bit of a know it all and retain facts and have answers for everything but often people ignore what I say and ask other people who don't know. Then I get annoyed as they asked me I answered correctly then they asked other people who told them wrong and that's what they see as true.

example:

Person 1  "Steph, what colour is the sky today?"
Me "Hello Person 1, they sky is blue"
Person 1. " ah ok, errrr person 2 what colour is the sky?"
Person 2. "hello P1, the sky is holographic electric unicorn poo colour"
Person 1 for ever more " the sky is holographic electric unicorn poo colour"
Me *sigh* "OOooooookay" ***Remind me not to answer ever again.

I also don't feel like I'm a valid person, I'm a fat person who is fairly happy but wants to lose some weight. I feel like I'm constantly bombarded with people who are fighting for the right to be fat and happy (yay - this is great) But making me feel invalid for wanting to do something, you want people to stop posting about diets, well stop posting that people on diets are bad. I make you feel bad, well listen hear you're not exactly making me feel great either. I've shut myself off from a lot of the PS blogger groups as I feel like I'm in the wrong for wanting to do this. BUT I'm not asking anyone to do this with me. I'm not saying fat is bad. I'm saying that right know I hate myself and for all the body positivity in the world that everyone is posting. It is not making me feel better about myself. I would happily wear a bikini on the beach right now at this size and at a bigger size. I'm also not saying you're wrong for what you're doing. What I am saying is there is two sides to every coin and for all the trigger warnings in the world you need to have some consideration on both sides.

This isn't aimed at anyone person. It's a range of peopl, most I don't know or have ever met IRL. It's post's I've read or tweets that have been retweeted or even just a simple old meme.

I'm fat, i'm semi happy, I don't give a shit if something is flattering or not. I cringe at the word but I am so unhappy with myself right now and the more I read body positive blogs the more I feel shit about myself.

I get a lot of wedding type spam emails and they make me feel miserable, I'm the forever single girl and when wedding fever sets in I feel shit. All the things that make ordinary people happy make me feel crap, lots of things that make other people feel crap make me feel happy.

I wish I knew what my path was in this world as I really do feel like I've take one too many wrong turn and I'm still at the beginning and I'm about to spit my dummy and take my ball home.

I guess what all this comes down to is, is blogging right for me? Do I stop, do I remove myself from blogging groups and consentrate on the Youtube side of things? Do I take myself of the internet all together? (never going to happen)

I love blogging and i've been doing if for about 10 years but is it the forum for me? I don't think I've posted anything i'm all that proud of in ages (the SW blogs don't count as they are more of a diary that I don't know where to put)

Everytime I decide to stop I miss it, so maybe I d want to carry on? I really don't know. Could this be hormones talking?

Does anyone have any answers?


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