I'm going to #TCFF16

Monday, September 05, 2016

Welcome to a bonus September post, blogging everyday has given me the bug to carry on writing.

Over the weekend I've been a bit blue, more than just the weekend. Weeks, if not months. I haven't felt like a blogger and I've barely posts anything.

I don't have a niche or a USP, I want to talk about everything, be involved in everything and to do that I just stopped. It was too much. I distanced myself. I left groups. I came out of whatsapp chats. I ducked out of the YouTube collab.

It wasn't anyone person, yes I did get annoyed and irritated by things but my way of coping is to retreat and hide not fight or stand up to something. Rightly or wrongly that's what I've always done.

I especially feel like I've done that from the plus size community, there were so many things go on, battles to fight, people to stand up to, brands not playing ball, shamers, trolls, other bloggers. I lost my place. I didn't know if something or someone was good for doing x,y,z or if that was the worst possible sin. It's two sides of a coin for most part and my fence was getting decidedly shaky.  I couldn't take the splinters so I ran, I did woe is me, the world is so terrible to me. When in fact 2016 has been pretty shit for a lot of us and people are having a far worse time than me.

The other night I unburdened myself to facebook, the problem is I just can't put my finger on what is up with me. I keep feeling like I'm going to get ill, I'm not ill enough to call in sick, but I don't feel well enough to be in work once i'm there. I'm stressed. New job role, but we're so short on people I can't start it and i'm doing 2 other peoples work as well as my own and some extra's for the new job. I'm coping by making lists and crying 3-5 times a day in mini loo breaks, or ooo i've not had an antihistmine today. How high is that pollen count kinda way!

I'm getting to my point don't worry but I need to vent, to type to talk when there is no one here to but in and tell me their story.

I little while ago I signed up to HIB100 which is the lifestyle bloggers equivalent of TOTs 100 (I'm assuming) I installed the widget and for weeks nothing (or maybe there was something, I didn't open my blog) When I posted my list for blogging every day in September I opened my blog so I could edit / view the prompts I'd listed and I noticed I had a score 178. That seems pretty decent. I mean there could only be 179 bloggers in this chart but 178 feels good. I must be doing something right after all.

With all my distancing myself I'm slowly realising that I miss people, we have the odd interaction and I have some really good blogger friends who I just haven't spoken too properly in a while. I see some amazing friendships that have bloomed through blogging, people travel, people go on holiday together, people have whatapp chats and I know a few people have said over the months. You can talk to me but I just don't. Maybe I need to.

Over the weekend the excitement for this years Curve Fashion Fest has been mounting and it made me realise I wanted to go but I can't afford it really. Even with a fab discount code. I've over spent, I have a holiday in about a month to pay for and will people accept me  back into the fold?

Kelly, the very lovely Kelly, who I met for the first time at last years #CFF can't make it and has given me her ticket and I just need to get train tickets and a bit of money for food (and not buy anything while I'm there)

I posted on Facebook that I was going and the number of lovely messages has been great, people saying they're looking forward to seeing me and it warms my heart. I just need anxious me who says the wrong thing or nothing at all to stay home and this happy confident me who is about today to stay around all week.

A huge thank you to Kelly for sorting this out for me and I hope you feel better very soon and I can treat you. I now need to see if people want to me and find someone to latch on to in the nicest possible way and I've also said I'm going to try and vlog it so Kelly can see it and so that I have a record of it for myself. If you see me you need 2 hugs. One from me and one from Kelly.

If you've read this far take a gold star you deserve it!  

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